I have come to realize that there are a few kinds of dieters. There are 1) the starve yourself to look like a supermodel type, there are 2) jump on the next big fad diet type, there are 3) the work out to burn what you eat type, and there are 4) the real deal balance of healthy eating and healthy activity. I guess there is a 5th type too, the genetically blessed type!
I wish beyond wish that i was #4 or #5 but i am not. I am inspired by the people who can cut all the junk out of their lives and never look back or the ones that have met their goals and have found the perfect balancing act. I am sad that so many women are so desperate to appease the general view of beautiful that they ride on every fad diet thrown at them, which might i add only hurts your metabolism in the long run (been there, done that).
I love food, LOVE IT! You will never know how many times i have woken up and said "OK Karen, today we are getting back on track" only to make it a day or two or sometimes only hours before i am way off coarse. I have a great group of women who support and give me encouragement and i love them for trying to keep me going. If emotional support was all it took i would have this beat, but sadly thats not enough.
I am an "eater". What is an eater you ask, well if i get in a mood (could be sadness, loneliness, boredom) i will eat and eat and eat even when i am no longer hungry. I love food and even when i want to not eat everything in sight it can become compulsive for me. Big life changes like moving back to the US and struggling to find my way into a life i hardly recognize is a really good trigger. May 2011 i began a dedicated path to physical fitness and healthy eating, and i lost 20 amazing pounds, got healthy and happy. Yes there were months that things stalled but i felt great and so i never gave up. Around December when everything in my life began to change drastically i started to stumble and eventually fell flat on my face. When i began this diet journey i weighed 178 and that was 10 pounds less than i had weighed at pre pregnancy. Last summer i was at my all time low of 155 only 5 pounds away from my goal of 150. I stalled for 5 months and then slowly began gaining a little here and a little there. Now i am back to 165, still 10 pounds lighter than a year ago, but also 10 pounds heavier than 6 months ago.
I laugh at the 120 mark, for me that is not a possibility, i would be disgusting at 120 and have no desire for that. I only want to be 150, a number that would be mortifying for most women (which i blame on societies twisted vision of women). I want to be 150 more than anyone could know. You can say, "if you want it bad enough you would do it" but i say that is not true because i do want it bad enough. I work out 90 minutes a day at least 5 days a week (with the exception of the last week) and i burn an average of 700 calories a workout. I know that because food is a problem for me that i need to work extra hard to burn it because i know i am going to eat! I use my fitness pal to keep track of my calories and most days i can keep within my goal but when i fall off the wagon i fall hard. I am a #3 dieter. So what happens when a #3 gets injured, well they give up all hope and begin to eat!
I have NEVER been skinny. I went from a size 0 to a size 8 in a summer. I have no idea what it is like to feel confident in a bathing suit or to not loath the very sight of your own body. I am a very pretty woman and i have high self esteem in that regard, but my body perception in very low. I wish i knew what to do, i have tried everything. I calorie count, only to end up binging at some point in my day, week, or month. I exercise as best i can even when injured. Its hard to not get down when you have had such a good stable plan and then it all falls apart for various reason.
I will say that one of the benefits that isn't measured in jean size is my health. I am healthier than most and that makes me feel like i am getting somewhere, that it is worth it all. My last physical i was told i had an athletes heart as my resting heart beat is below 50 which is only seen in athletes. I can run miles, if my knee and hip allow. I can push my cardio to the limit and still keep it up for extended periods of time. I know that even though my body may not reflect my hard work, my heart and lungs do and that makes me feel better. I know part of my problem is that my body has been in menopause since i was 17 so i fight a different battle with weight than most women my age. Hormones can play a huge roll in weight loss and unfortunately for me that is just something i have to learn to live with.
As you can tell i am more than just a little broken today. I just want to succeed in my goals and no matter how hard i try this seems to be my outcome, a huge backslide for every small bit of ground gained. Days like this i wish i was back in India where my lifestyle was far more controlled. I was able to stick firmly to my goals and work hard at it in India. The US is home and i will get it all figured out but today "its my party and ill cry if i want to." Tomorrow i will brush myself off and God willing i will be able to work out and get my "hunger" under control.
I do not believe self worth is a number on the scale. I do not believe beauty is the jean size you wear. I do not feel that my BMI defines me, but i would be lying if i said i didn't dream of a leaner, lighter, toned version of myself. Just once i would like to reach my goal even if i lose it again, i just need to get there!
Now if only i could afford lipo! HA!!!!
I wish beyond wish that i was #4 or #5 but i am not. I am inspired by the people who can cut all the junk out of their lives and never look back or the ones that have met their goals and have found the perfect balancing act. I am sad that so many women are so desperate to appease the general view of beautiful that they ride on every fad diet thrown at them, which might i add only hurts your metabolism in the long run (been there, done that).
I love food, LOVE IT! You will never know how many times i have woken up and said "OK Karen, today we are getting back on track" only to make it a day or two or sometimes only hours before i am way off coarse. I have a great group of women who support and give me encouragement and i love them for trying to keep me going. If emotional support was all it took i would have this beat, but sadly thats not enough.
I am an "eater". What is an eater you ask, well if i get in a mood (could be sadness, loneliness, boredom) i will eat and eat and eat even when i am no longer hungry. I love food and even when i want to not eat everything in sight it can become compulsive for me. Big life changes like moving back to the US and struggling to find my way into a life i hardly recognize is a really good trigger. May 2011 i began a dedicated path to physical fitness and healthy eating, and i lost 20 amazing pounds, got healthy and happy. Yes there were months that things stalled but i felt great and so i never gave up. Around December when everything in my life began to change drastically i started to stumble and eventually fell flat on my face. When i began this diet journey i weighed 178 and that was 10 pounds less than i had weighed at pre pregnancy. Last summer i was at my all time low of 155 only 5 pounds away from my goal of 150. I stalled for 5 months and then slowly began gaining a little here and a little there. Now i am back to 165, still 10 pounds lighter than a year ago, but also 10 pounds heavier than 6 months ago.
I laugh at the 120 mark, for me that is not a possibility, i would be disgusting at 120 and have no desire for that. I only want to be 150, a number that would be mortifying for most women (which i blame on societies twisted vision of women). I want to be 150 more than anyone could know. You can say, "if you want it bad enough you would do it" but i say that is not true because i do want it bad enough. I work out 90 minutes a day at least 5 days a week (with the exception of the last week) and i burn an average of 700 calories a workout. I know that because food is a problem for me that i need to work extra hard to burn it because i know i am going to eat! I use my fitness pal to keep track of my calories and most days i can keep within my goal but when i fall off the wagon i fall hard. I am a #3 dieter. So what happens when a #3 gets injured, well they give up all hope and begin to eat!
I have NEVER been skinny. I went from a size 0 to a size 8 in a summer. I have no idea what it is like to feel confident in a bathing suit or to not loath the very sight of your own body. I am a very pretty woman and i have high self esteem in that regard, but my body perception in very low. I wish i knew what to do, i have tried everything. I calorie count, only to end up binging at some point in my day, week, or month. I exercise as best i can even when injured. Its hard to not get down when you have had such a good stable plan and then it all falls apart for various reason.
I will say that one of the benefits that isn't measured in jean size is my health. I am healthier than most and that makes me feel like i am getting somewhere, that it is worth it all. My last physical i was told i had an athletes heart as my resting heart beat is below 50 which is only seen in athletes. I can run miles, if my knee and hip allow. I can push my cardio to the limit and still keep it up for extended periods of time. I know that even though my body may not reflect my hard work, my heart and lungs do and that makes me feel better. I know part of my problem is that my body has been in menopause since i was 17 so i fight a different battle with weight than most women my age. Hormones can play a huge roll in weight loss and unfortunately for me that is just something i have to learn to live with.
As you can tell i am more than just a little broken today. I just want to succeed in my goals and no matter how hard i try this seems to be my outcome, a huge backslide for every small bit of ground gained. Days like this i wish i was back in India where my lifestyle was far more controlled. I was able to stick firmly to my goals and work hard at it in India. The US is home and i will get it all figured out but today "its my party and ill cry if i want to." Tomorrow i will brush myself off and God willing i will be able to work out and get my "hunger" under control.
I do not believe self worth is a number on the scale. I do not believe beauty is the jean size you wear. I do not feel that my BMI defines me, but i would be lying if i said i didn't dream of a leaner, lighter, toned version of myself. Just once i would like to reach my goal even if i lose it again, i just need to get there!
Now if only i could afford lipo! HA!!!!