These last few years have showed me a lot about myself, my faith, and my willingness to surrender. For most of my adult life i pushed to the back the hurt i felt over being barren. It affected me in more ways then just my ability to be a mom, it also made me question my worth on more occasions than i can count.
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For me, my inability to conceive and give birth to a child left me feeling very little like a "woman" and more like an empty vessel. Now God, on many occasions, tried to show me that he could and would fill that emptiness if i would only let him, but still i pushed back. Up until the point of me FINALLY listening to God and trusting him completely by fully surrendering to my marriage and my path by moving to India, i tried to fill that vacancy with things, but nothing that would help. When i gave up and let go God not only filled me, but i was overflowing with everything i needed. No longer did i feel empty and no longer did i long for parenthood. I was at peace, and then God gifted us with our miracle.
If you ask me what i am MOST thankful for in my life, i am talking outside of my relationship with God, my answer would have to be my infertility. Now that may sound like a funny thing to be most thankful for, but actually it shaped everything about where i am today. If not for my infertility i would probably be in a very different place in my life. Because of my infertility i married an amazing man of God who was able to see me as a complete woman and not a woman who would never bare him a family. In past relationships this had been a HUGE stumbling block and had of course been part of the self worth i so deeply struggled with. I also know that sometimes i don't appreciate things as deeply as i should and i think for me God knew this was very pivotal to my future. Because of my infertility i learned to trust my husband completely, i learned to surrender to God unconditionally, and i learned to value every blessing. My infertility used to define me, and now i look fondly on the complexity of it all.
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Sure, you could say that many women have IVF and give birth to children every day and that would be true, but our miracle was so much more than that. It wasn't about some fertility clinic in India, it was about a journey that began on my 17th birthday and came to completion 13 years later. It was about the great things God wanted to do for me and for my husband. It was about coming to the place in my life where i finally understood what it was to "let go and let God." So many things had to fall into place to put this puzzle together and i look back now on that 4 years in India and i am just floored. So many amazing things happened, and our lives will forever be changed!
Yes, today again i am infertile. I will never again feel the kicks of a tiny wonder growing in my womb, and i will never again feel the pain of labor, or hear that first cry, or nurse another newborn. Yet i am amazingly blessed that God gave me the gift of all those things with Ella Mae. Now my "miracle" is growing and changing and we are getting to experience new "firsts" every single day. I will spend the rest of my life adoring my daughter, loving my husband, and worshiping my Savior. I was given a gift that i can not even fully fathom and as God continues to do amazing things in my little family i am constantly reminded that as long as i put God first and follow his guidance anything is possible!
I can honestly say that i will never again feel pain over my infertility, it is truly a blessing in disguise!
For me, my inability to conceive and give birth to a child left me feeling very little like a "woman" and more like an empty vessel. Now God, on many occasions, tried to show me that he could and would fill that emptiness if i would only let him, but still i pushed back. Up until the point of me FINALLY listening to God and trusting him completely by fully surrendering to my marriage and my path by moving to India, i tried to fill that vacancy with things, but nothing that would help. When i gave up and let go God not only filled me, but i was overflowing with everything i needed. No longer did i feel empty and no longer did i long for parenthood. I was at peace, and then God gifted us with our miracle.If you ask me what i am MOST thankful for in my life, i am talking outside of my relationship with God, my answer would have to be my infertility. Now that may sound like a funny thing to be most thankful for, but actually it shaped everything about where i am today. If not for my infertility i would probably be in a very different place in my life. Because of my infertility i married an amazing man of God who was able to see me as a complete woman and not a woman who would never bare him a family. In past relationships this had been a HUGE stumbling block and had of course been part of the self worth i so deeply struggled with. I also know that sometimes i don't appreciate things as deeply as i should and i think for me God knew this was very pivotal to my future. Because of my infertility i learned to trust my husband completely, i learned to surrender to God unconditionally, and i learned to value every blessing. My infertility used to define me, and now i look fondly on the complexity of it all.
Sure, you could say that many women have IVF and give birth to children every day and that would be true, but our miracle was so much more than that. It wasn't about some fertility clinic in India, it was about a journey that began on my 17th birthday and came to completion 13 years later. It was about the great things God wanted to do for me and for my husband. It was about coming to the place in my life where i finally understood what it was to "let go and let God." So many things had to fall into place to put this puzzle together and i look back now on that 4 years in India and i am just floored. So many amazing things happened, and our lives will forever be changed!Yes, today again i am infertile. I will never again feel the kicks of a tiny wonder growing in my womb, and i will never again feel the pain of labor, or hear that first cry, or nurse another newborn. Yet i am amazingly blessed that God gave me the gift of all those things with Ella Mae. Now my "miracle" is growing and changing and we are getting to experience new "firsts" every single day. I will spend the rest of my life adoring my daughter, loving my husband, and worshiping my Savior. I was given a gift that i can not even fully fathom and as God continues to do amazing things in my little family i am constantly reminded that as long as i put God first and follow his guidance anything is possible!
I can honestly say that i will never again feel pain over my infertility, it is truly a blessing in disguise!